ABOUT DONNIE BAKER

Due to the fact I'm still on probation much of my background is sealed in Court 7.  I swear to god it is.  You can look it up but good luck getting access because the new judge is a dick and I'd say it right to his face thru a privacy fence.  Again! 

A lot of people think my Mom Phyllis is my real mom.  Well, she ain't!  She's the one who basically raised me from a little bad ass in adult diapers because I was born with a condition called "Pork-a-phatitis."  Let's just say my pork sword needed more leg room and regular pull ups wouldn't fit me.  I wasn't even able to do regular push ups until my arms grew out when I was 14 years old.  I was raised in a strip club named XXXandues when my Mom Phyllis (Sheena/Vegas/Champagne) basically ran the place.  And she made more money in one summer with a broke arm than most the other girls put together.  And she couldn't even push her boobs together like they could.  So you know she's fire ass hot!

I got my first boat when I was 17 years old.  I've had 4 boats since including the one I'm trying to sell.  When I do sell it, I'm going to get a bigger boat, so take that Mitchell.  The worst place to be in life is between boats.  I've been there too many times and I swear to god I'm never going back to that dark place.  I love my boat and hate to see it go.  But I'll never sell my 7 trophies which are still in the front window at Discount Karate.  I probably know more about the marshal arts than anybody I know of! 

My best friend for life is Scotty Winkler.  Scotty is good people and the only honest, friend I can truly trust.  I can't wait until he gets out.  Me and Scotty have been with more hot girls than anybody I know of.  He was the one who introduced me to Angel Skinners.  And I was the one who told him about Patty Fergusons.  Looking back it's kind of like the circle of life because now I'm with Patty and he's been with Angel. I know.  Twilight zones.  Scotty is also the only other friend I have who really understands what its like to live and think like the harvest wolf.  Welcome to the pack Scotty!

My job sucks.  I work for somebody who ain't even qualified to be a supervisor.  And I'd say it right to your face Randy!  Dishman hired me anyways and rumor has it your days or numbered anyways.  I'm tired of breaking down cardboard boxes for minimum wage especially the boxes are maximum weight.  I could sue your ass.  And who gave you the right to take FICA out of my check?  So Shut Up Randy!!

My Uncle Sonny has played cards with a lot of famous people including Burt Reynolds.  I think David Coverales is why rock n roll is still alive today.  And my goal is to push Trojan rubbers to keep working until they find one that fits me!  I've put stretch marks in a can coozie before so do the math!  If you have any other questions about my background you can look it up or call my pager to ask me right to my face.

About Almost Kiss

You Wanted the Best, You Got the Best... The Hottest Tribute Band in the World!

One of Six Tribute Bands considered talented enough to be placed on the world famous, "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" in front of an international audience, Almost KISS caught the eye of Family Jewels' Producers and Executives in 2010 and were chose to be included as one of six tributes to be endorsed by Gene Simmons.  Since then, this amazing group of four musicians has continued to excite crowds all over the country, growing substantially in popularity.

Almost KISS are four KISS fans:  Devote and true.  They choose to pay homage to the hottest band in the world and bring the show closer to you than you've ever experienced before.  Pucker up…this is the Hottest Tribute band in the world.....ALMOST KISS!!!!!!!!!